Bagutbot // Bagulbol

i miss the one i loved and lost…

i miss the one i loved and lost…

i miss the one i loved and lost…

a long, long time ago…………………………..

just read a hilarious book by david sedaris entitled ‘dress your family in corduroy and denim’.. david sedaris is just absolutely brilliant in depicting other people’s characters and attitudes and culture in general without hesitation, boundaries, nor limitations… he says what he wants to say that no one else would dare about situations that people get themselves into…. he can observe and criticize his family, relatives, friends, neighbors, and/or other people in such a way that was totally ludicrous but poignantly true. i wish i share his genius when it comes to telling the truth about people without masking it with absurdity or malice… his talent in writing is just plain genius.. try to grab this book and read it, it sure would change your views in things we just normally mull over and keep mum about… i had to set aside milan kundera’s ‘the unbearable lightness of being’ for awhile when i got hold of mr. sedaris’ book, it was just about infedility, anyway, which most of us are veeerrrry familiar with… but i had to shift to chris rock’s ‘rock this!’ book prior to reading ‘dress  your family….’ because i know it would be one great, refreshing read after seeing the great reviews on mr. sedaris (and i had to return ‘rock this!’ asap, too). i was laughing so hard with every turn of the page… that was real! it doesn’t happen often, as i brood most of the time if not occasionally… can’t fake laughter unless you’re so good at lying it’s second nature to you… i’ve never laughed so hard since 2006 arrived… hahay… it’s still a long haul for me till i’m with the people i live for and love… the ones who would put their limbs out and stretch themselves thin just to let me know they care, that i’m loved, that i matter, somehow…. as opposed to those who just loves to make other people feel unworthy, thinking they’re way above you… come to think of it, we each live our lives as we see fit… i don’t care how you mask or carry your fears and your pains and all your heartaches and miseries– just don’t put your weight around and bug other people simply because they know a thing or two about you.. don’t start a fire if you can’t put it out yourself… plain and simple. i live my life trying not to be a burden to anyone, if i hurt people along the way, it’s never intentional and i try to make up for it as much as i could and whenever i can because i truly believe that "what goes around comes around"– ALWAYS. stick to your guns and i’ll stick to mine… although figuratively speaking, of course.. ewww! i hate guns, can’t stand violence one bit. but if push comes to shove, so be it…. so be it! that’s what i love about the book, the honesty, the genuineness of it, the integrity and freedom of the wrtier to write what he has in mind and what he thinks is wrong with other people that could affect other lives, too, lives that want to live as best and as real as anyone could without having to be a nuisance to others and become cumbersome to this world (eyy, a cool song from seven mary three! hehe.. if i’m not mistaken, that is).. glad to still have my screws on or things could have been worse here, i know. less talk, less mistakes as opposed to the hilarious book that tells all and bears all– it’s just so overwhleming to be able to put down every nitty-gritty observations you have into writing. that’s what i admire most in great contemporary writers such as david sedaris… … …

"The Science of Selling Yourself Short"

I’ve come to my senses,
That I’ve become senseless,
I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships,
Every last conviction, I smoked them all away,
I drank my frustrations down the drain, out of the way,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
Someone so tired of their routines and disappearing self-esteems,

[Chorus:]
I’ll sing along,
Yeah with every emergency,
Just sing along,
I’m the king of catastrophies,
I’m so far gone,
That deep down inside I think it’s fine by me,
I’m my own worst enemy

I could be an expert on co-dependency,
I could write the best book on underage tragedy,
I’ve been spending my time at the local liquor store,
I’ve been sleeping nightly on my best friends kitchen floor,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
"Does anyone else feel like me?"
I’m so over-dosed on apathy and burnt out on sympathy.

[Chorus]

Let the meaning slip away
Lost my faith in another day,
Self deprecation seems okay,
I never thought I’d make it anyway

[Chorus]

I’m my own worst enemy [x5]

back to work… monday blues… but i’ve never been happier! thank GOD for miracles… hope this time, our lives will be back to ‘normal’… for good. no more heartaches, water works that could drown a whole city, ridiculous long-distance bills that go on for miles and miles–whew! life doesn’t suck that much after all, i guess… well, i do have the right to change my friggin’ mind whenever i want to, now, don’t i? maaann, i’ve never been happier! whatever comes my way now would just be a breeze… well, i should know– just went to hell and back this whole weekend! haha… but now i know better… thanks… whoever’s up there watching and looking out for me— I, THANK YOU!! mwaahhh!

i guess it’s true! behind dark clouds is a silver lining… i feel better now knowing that even through my darkest moments i still have a shred of sanity left in me to hang on and hope against all hopes that a brighter tomorrow will come… faith, it’s still in me… and, what can i say? it is a sunny day today in montreal– can you imagine raining like crazy in february here in this city when it could have been minus 25 degrees celsius instead! GOD is good… everyone’s wondering what happened to winter… haha! and all i could say is—- yeeessss! (i hate the cold, darn it!)

now, it seems i can talk about the weather and all… again…. i hope and pray things will be alright soon, for me, for all of us going through this wicked nightmare… i may not be whole again but God knows how i’ve suffered and in time, i may find my way back to that warm, cozy place i used to call home… because it’ll always be my home, regardless of all that is happening around…..

gone, it’s all gone… like water running through my fingers, no matter how hard i try to hold on to– it just keeps slipping away beyond recovery… don’t even know what i’m saying here nor comprehend one single thing that’s happening to me now, to the people i call my "home". the single, most treasured thing in my whole existence is crumbling right before my very eyes…. it’s tearing my insides to pieces and nothing and no one could ever bring it all back…. i am so powerless to put it all back together again… it’s better and, i guess, safer to just lose your mind & screw everything out, but you know deep inside you that it’s not an option… to just up & leave & visit the loony bin, gives me the creeps just writing about it…. geeezz. for what it’s worth, i still am grateful that i’ve been given the privilege to grow up in a world where i thought would always be there for me… everything changes. can’t stop it, neither can you… it’s who i am (or was) since everything’s all gone now… and the more memories you carry, the harder it seems to remember…. what to do with all these treasured memories if not to keep going back to it, time & time again, torturing yourself limitless…. till your head aches so bad the word ‘migraine’ doesn’t even come second. i’m such an ignoramus to even think i’m exempted from such harsh realities but here they are– right smack in the middle of my whole universe, mocking me and trying every bit of sense in me…. tried to go to church tonight but would you believe how the fates could conspire against you? it was closed…. maybe the priest just decided to pack his things up, leave, and go somewhere sunny… coz’ montreal sure ain’t gonna see sunshine for God knows when… when it does show up, i mean, the sun in this friggin’ cold place?— IT IS A COLD DAY… negative gazillion degrees.. funny… or, maybe, just maybe, they saw me comin’…. loaded with all these junk in my chest and thought i’d unload everything in their sanctified premises, and so they closed it. just like that. well, back to my last minute, guilt-laden trip to the one place where i thought i could find solace in, somehow, and yup– it is closed. on a saturday? yup, oui, si, lagi! sheessh, guess they already changed the sabbath day (i know it’s sunday you dummy, but it used to be saturday, actually….if i’m mistaken, well, who gives a hoot!) but i always thought it would be open anyhow… i mean, saturdays?!? i remember going to church in high school because that’s when you hear the ‘english mass’… how cool is that? well, can’t blame one stupid, non-practicing catholic to wander around holy grounds trying to make sense of it all….. yuppp, too late, i know…. seeking answers, trying all your might to comprehend what’s happening in your life, and meekly calling out to high heavens to hear your puny, hoarse, silly voice out and give you light (or enlightenment– go figure). my head’s reeling, my tummy’s grumbling (can’t ’stomach’ food… bleeek!), everything in a haze…. ……. ……. ……… ……… …….. ……….. …….. ……. …… …… just lovin’ the dots go on & on like that like there’s no tomorrow, but hey, who am i kidding? there’d still be tomorrow…. smiling at me when i see the first glimpse of light… undead, uncool, unfit to even think of what to do next………… maybe just type dots… lots and lotsa’ dots………. maaannn, who am i kidding… i’ll just repeat this to myself like mojo jojo does: for what it’s worth……………… oh, f*ck that… sorry. bagutbot na lang ta ani… way makasabot, way makadungog ug klaro, way magbuot…. maski ikaw dili kasabot.

just when you thought your day’s bad— it gets worse!!!!! nothing seems to be going your way, and now this aweful news from home,..,.., and it sucks the life out of you,..,.., and all i could ever come up with to say is: bring it on!! more, give me more!!! i’m so numb beyond repair the searing pain’s gone and all that’s left is this void inside you— the emptiness…. life, as i know it…. sucks. i won’t give you the pleasure of knowing what’s going on…. all you’ll hear or read is how i feel… or at least something close to it…. i don’t even know how or what to feel anymore…… my life has (and my family’s) been altered and it’s irreparable… the life i used to know and grew up from is COMPLETELY gone… shattered beyond comprehension…. the life i knew is forever gone….. so whatever comes along my way now would be NOTHING compared to this, right here, right now…. bring it on…. it’s harder to breathe every second….. so bring it on… i still could suck it in, there’s still more room to suck it all in….. bring it on!!

it’s the saddest day ever… today feels like there’s no tomorrow at all… but i know today will end, today will become history where i am not a part of it, where i still am as insignificant as i was from all of the yesterdays… i will let today pass by just like the rest… but i hope against all hopes that today– my daughter, dana, is happy… and will always be happy, wherever she goes. she’s the only one that keeps me going even through my roughest times, my darkest hours, my loneliest nights, my listless sleeps…. just like today, just like today… it’s so depressing that the word ‘depressed’ doesn’t even come close to describing how i truly feel inside… but who cares… surely not me, for i know there is a bright tomorrow… waiting, not much longer now… much like today, perhaps, but i know things will turn out for the better– for me. i just know it. but today…. arrgghh.. today…. please, won’t you just fade away so i can face tomorrow with a newer version of me….

sigh…..

PENGUINS & POLARBEARS

===================

I don’t want you to know too much about me, oh no…
‘Cause I know you’ll take advantage of the words that I say
You’re looking for a way to depress me, make me pay.

You don’t want me to be too close around you ’cause I would see
All the weak sides that you got, but which you’re trying to hide
You know that I would nail you if I could nurse my pride.

You’re on the top when I’m low…
As soon as you’re fading I will grow…
I don’t like you. You don’t like me.
We’re lacking energy,
yeah, we’re lacking energy…

It’s a mindgame we play. Rule the roost, major cliché..
While one of us is fit the other’s going insane
And every time we think the positions will remain…

You’re on the top when I’m low…
As soon as you’re fading I will grow…
I don’t like you. You don’t like me.
We’re lacking energy,
yeah, we’re lacking energy.
So you got me up against the wall
and I’m only waiting for your fall
I’ll get back on top and be carefree 
It’s not the end for me, no it’s not the end for me.

I know we’re thinking the same and our opponent’s the one to blame 
Thinking this way is not something that we both longed for…
Living this way is something we never did plan..
But I don’t think we will change,
’cause we’re stuck in roles as other’s antipoles…